Conversations with Mom

Funny conversations mostly written by Marieanne, and some by John and published on Facebook:

July 12, 2021-

Me: I ordered yarn for a project mom is working on. While I normally just have things shipped to me and bring them to her, I had this shipped direct so she would have it sooner. Apparently it was delivered on Sunday but I didn’t see the email until this morning.

Me – Supposedly your yarn was delivered on Sunday.

Mom – Sunday!!

Me – yup, could you check the front porch and see if it’s there?

Mom – Hold on.

(numerous background noises as she shuffles thru the house…me patiently waiting…some time later)

Mom – (sounding aggravated) Well, now you’ve put me in a situation!

Me – What?? (what the heck)

Mom – I DIDN”T HAVE MY CANE (yes she yelled at me – and this is a very ironic thing for me to be yelled at, I am always yelling at her for NOT using her cane – I’ll admit, I laughed)

Mom – The package is in but my slipper is not.

Me – (laughing so hard I can’t speak)

Mom – Don’t laugh, its not funny.

Me (uh, yeah, it kinda is – still laughing) Your like Cinderella, leaving your slipper behind. (I’m picturing the poor old slipper, sitting outside on the front porch – even she started to see the humor). So, what are you going to do?

Mom – I’m going to go get my cane and get my slipper. (yup, set me off laughing all over again)

And just think, she has a second package coming tomorrow : )

March 6, 2021-

Mom’s toaster oven died last week so I took on the challenge to find her a new one. Her main concern was she did not want it to be too big. Her original oven was a two slice oven and I searched high and low for a new 2 slice version – very limited options and the couple that I found had pretty poor reviews. So, I found the smallest 4 slice option, with good reviews, very reasonably priced and ordered it. I knew that it was going to be bigger than what she had so I explained all of the above and warned her in advance, and she was fine with it. Jake brought the box inside this morning.

Mom – (eyeing the box – here comes the doom and gloom) Oh, that’s going to be too big.

Me – I told you that it was going to be a little bit bigger – it’s a 4 slice toaster.

Mom – (more doom and gloom) It’s going to take up too much room on the counter (grumble grumble)

Me – At least wait until we get it out of the box, I don’t think it will be that bad.

(Jake and I wrestled it out of the box – darn foam packing crap)

Me – Huh, its not that big, the handle will stick out a bit more.

Mom – Can you take the handle off?

Me – (mentally slapping my forehead) No, we can’t take the handle off.

(we get it set up and, low and behold, while its a little bit higher, it pretty much is the same size as the old. I was showing mom the options – she’ll be able to use it for much more than just her toast, but its pretty simple to set).

Mom – (Sounding happy) Hey! I think this will be much better than my old one!!

Hallelujah!!!

February 21, 2021-

More conversations with mom – a little backstory – while mom likes her coffee with sugar, during the week she drinks it without. For our weekly DD coffee, I always order hers with sugar – its a treat, and she really enjoys it. Bear in mind, its a large coffee with milk and 2 sugars (a “regular” has 4 sugars).

Saturday convo with mom…

Mom – Next time you bring me a coffee, don’t put sugar in it. I am eating too much sugar.

Me – I don’t think that one coffee makes a big difference – its a treat.

Mom – Still – no sugar

(FYI – I’ll be ignoring this directive – her coffee will have sugar)

This morning convo with mom – she got coupons for DD in the mail and is reading them off to me one by one…

Mom – Oh, and there’s one for a dozen donuts – $8

Me – (I normally don’t buy donuts there, as you can tell by my response) Eight dollars – jeez, that’s expensive – you can get two boxes of Entenmann’s for $4 when they are on sale.

Mom – Ha – but you didn’t bring me any Entenmann’s this week.

Me – They weren’t on sale – and wait a minute – weren’t you just complaining to me yesterday about eating too much sugar, and to not include sugar in your coffee?

Mom – Well that’s different.

Mom logic : )

February 18, 2021-

Conversations with mom….grocery list. When I get her list, I ask her what she needs aisle by aisle in the order at the store.

Me – Ok, how bout the pasta / tomato sauce aisle?

Mom – (pondering) Pasta…OH! You know what kind I need – the straight kind.

Me – (Oh boy, she is so lucky I am not an SJW, and I can’t even say that to her because then I would have to explain the acronym and that’s a rabbit hole I don’t want to go down – so, I’m left trying to decipher without being a wiseass). Ummmm – spaghetti?

Mom – (in a “you are so dumb” tone of voice) Not spaghetti.

Me – What? It’s straight (yes, these conversations really do take place – and of course, my reply made her laugh, cuz I’m right – it IS straight – at least it is before it’s cooked)

Mom – No, no – you know what I’m talking about…

Me – Hmm – Ziti?

Mom – That’s it! Ziti! Bring me a box!

So there you have it – “straight” pasta = Ziti – Always good to know : )

February 20, 2020-

Moms first Pina Colada

Funny thing about this video. She had no idea I was taking it, she thought I was just taking pictures. I wanted to record her light up crown, but this one ended up being priceless with her reaction to the Pina Colada. At the beginning, she was asking how she was supposed to eat the cherries. So funny when I told her I recorded it – she made me show her and we had such a good laugh.

Jan 11, 2020-

Me – (holding up a package) Now mom, I want you to be open minded when I show you what’s in this package.
Mom- (looking concerned) Oh boy, what did you do?
Me – Nothing, I just don’t want you dismiss it out of hand when you see.
Mom – (skeptical) Ok. Show me already. Wait, don’t rip that bag, I need it. (yes, I rolled my eyes as I got the scissors to carefully open the mail bag).
Me – (pulling the sneakers out of the bag) Ta Da! Aren’t they great?
Mom – (laughing) Oh boy!
Me – Feel how lightweight they are! And, they’re elastic, so if your feet swell they stretch, but then revert when not swollen. You don’t have to tie them, they slip on. And they got purple soles, what’s not to like about that? We also fed 41 shelter animals with the purchase of those shoes. (mom rolled her eyes at me). Try them on.
Mom – They are very light. (putting them on) People will think I’m a crazy old lady.
Me – (no, I did not say, “well you are a crazy old lady”) If anyone says anything to you, just tell them your daughter said you needed more pep in your step : )

I think they look great, she was still wearing them when I called this evening

11/22/19

More conversations with mom – Mom has a bad cold. I did her shopping earlier than expected so I could bring her home-made soup as well as orange juice, cough drops along with her normal stuff. I also got her special edition peppermint bark oreo’s for a “feel better” gift. Of course we had to try them.

Mom – Mmmm, these are good.
Me – They are, they have little bits of candy canes in them.
Mom – (examining her cookie – amazed) Oh yeah! Look at that! There are candy cane bits. Oh, this will be good for me now.
Me – What do you mean?
Mom – They’re good for my cold, they have mint in them.

So there you go – Oreo cookies, good for whatever ails you – I can get on board with that : )

11/15/19-

More conversations with mom (a little long, multi-part convo) – during my evening check in call two days ago, mom was recapping her day, telling me about a conversation with her friend and how her friend’s son brought her a rotisserie chicken.

Mom – I told her that my daughter is very mean. She won’t bring me a rotisserie chicken. (said “mean” daughter is me).
Me – I told you, they don’t have fresh rotisserie chickens when I go shopping and I refuse to buy a day old rotisserie chicken. (Normally, I shop early morning Sat or Sun).
Mom – How do you know they aren’t fresh.
Me – Because they are ice cold at 7 am. Plus, when you get one, you complain about how much chicken you have to eat.
Mom – No I don’t.
Me – Oh yes, you definitely do.

We went back and forth a few more times and finally moved on to other subjects and then ended the call. I was doing a mid-week shopping trip this week the following day, so, knowing that she would continue to badger me about a rotisserie chicken, I went to the grocery store a little later in the morning (still too early for rotisserie chickens) so made a 2nd stop at BJ’s knowing they would have them fresh at 9 am. Headed down to mom’s where I presented her with her beloved rotisserie chicken.

Mom – (very happy) Oh boy! We’ll have it for lunch!….You are going to take half of it.
Me – Wait – What? No, I am not.
Mom – Yes you are – it’s too much for me.
Me – (grrrrr) I’m not taking half. I’ll take some of the white meat. (I ended up with ALL of the white meat).

Later that day, made my evening check in call….

Mom – I’m very mad at you.
Me – Jeez! What did I do now? (In my head going through all of the chores she gave me while at her house and pretty sure I didn’t forget anything).
Mom – You didn’t take enough chicken. Do you know how much chicken I have? How much do you think I can eat? I had to put some in the freezer.
Me – (surprised my head didn’t explode) I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! I told you you would complain about how much chicken you have.
Mom – Yeah, yeah, yeah – you told me….

On the bright side, I have at least a 3 month reprieve until her next hankering for rotisserie chicken. Kathy, John, Kal, one of you can take point on the next go round.

11/3/19

Mom – Well, at least I’m not bossy.
Me – What?! (laughing so hard that I am crying – so hard that I had her laughing with me, and she had been serious – several minutes later)
Me – Mom, I think that is the funniest thing you ever said to me.
Mom – Well, at least I make you laugh.

Now that is the truth : )

10/26/19

Getting ready to set up the pills for next week, so I put this morning’s pills in moms pill dish, ready for her to take and start working on the new week. Mom sits down and looks at the dish.

Mom – Isn’t this too many pills?
Me – (sigh) No. Its correct.
Mom – Are you sure, this looks like too many.
Me – (stopping what I am doing and holding up the list) Look, you have 9 pills listed for the morning. Some you only take Tuesday and Friday, the early one, and some are only every other day. You may have only 7 pills or you can have up to 9 pills depending on the day. Trust me, it’s right. That’s why I need to concentrate while I’m doing this, so you have to be quiet.
Mom – Oh no, go ahead, I don’t want you to kill me. (me rolling my eyes).
She is silent for a few minutes and then…
Mom – Are you sure I’m not supposed to take Toprol anymore?
Me – (In the words of Charlie Brown) AUGH!

10/25/19

More conversations with mom – at the cardiologist…Dr M was asking general questions about mom’s meds.
Mom – (gestures to me) Ask her, she takes care of all them….She’s trying to kill me.
Me – (mentally smacking my forehead as the doctor gives me a look) Mom! Don’t tell him I’m trying to kill you! (to the doctor) She doesn’t like the number of pills she has to take, she’s always telling me not to kill her.
Dr M- (seeming to take that as truth) ok, so, you’re still taking Toprol.
Me -(second mental smack to my forehead – Toprol is the bane of my existence. Mom hasn’t been on it for a year and a half. It took forever to get both CVS and the mail order place to stop refilling and to convince mom she no longer takes it.) She no longer takes Toprol.
Dr M – She doesn’t?
Mom – Are you sure.
Me – Out of all the meds you’ve taken, this is one I am absolutely sure of. (I pulled out the trusty list of current meds and hand it to the doctor). Here, these are everything she takes.
(We finally get everything sorted out – finish the appointment, all is well – get out to the car and head for home).
Me – I can’t believe you told him I’m trying to kill you. What if he believed you?
Mom – Oh…(thinks a minute) Don’t worry, I’ll tell him I don’t want an autopsy when I go bye bye.

10/24/19

Mom was being pretty bossy before getting to the doctors office going over and over about how I have to get her a wheelchair when we get there. I got her a wheelchair then proceeded to make vroom vroom sounds as we cruised down the hallway and, around corners, squealing tire sounds : )

10/24/19

10/19/19

I have been searching far and wide for garlic pickles like my great uncle used to make. I have tried every brand you can imagine with no luck. I bought some last weekend at the garlic fest which are good but still not as good as those. I was telling mom about them.

Me – So those pickles were good but not like Strica’s (not sure on spelling)
Mom – No?
Me – Nope (sigh) his were so good, they were more salty than sour.
Mom – Oh! (light bulb) Thats because he didn’t use vinegar, he used rye bread to ferment them. You’ve been talking and talking about them and I couldn’t imagine what you were talking about.
Me – Do you know how many garlic pickles I’ve bought and there was never a chance …

Mom proceeded to give me step by step instructions (no measurements) to which I replied, “Tell John” : )

10/12/19

I was talking to mom about the Garlic Festival and mentioned that I was looking through the vendor list and they have everything you can think of, even fried Twinkies or Oreos infused with garlic (ewwww, thats just wrong). I mentioned that it was at the Bethlehem Fair Grounds…

Mom – I think me and Dad were there once. You know what they had a lot of? Oh, what is it called. You know…its made of dirt.
Me – (my head is till on food vendors, my first thought is dirt? Huh, maybe there is something worse than garlic twinkies).
Mom – And it was very expensive.
Me – (expensive dirt – yeah, can’t even venture a guess) I need a little more mom.
Mom – You know – its bowls and pots….
Me – Ooohhhh! Pottery.
Mom – Thats what its called!!

I don’t know, I kind of like expensive dirt : )

August 30, 2019

More conversations with mom…I wanted to change the flag on her door which is still the red, white & blue fireworks but the next flag available in her pack is Halloween (too early – I know retail does not agree)

Me – Sorry mom, there is nothing here for between July 4th and Halloween.

Mom – Nothing for Labor Day?

Me – Like what? A hammer and a sickle? (we both paused for a second then burst out laughing) Oh my – that would cause a bit of a stir among our family members. Can you imagine Feri basci? (spelling?) I think his head would explode.

Mom – Oh boy! He would turn around and never come back!

We were crying from laughing…I think I’ll find her a nice generic fall flag : )

August 10, 2019

More conversations with mom…shopping list….

Mom – And get me a chopstick

Me – Chopsticks?

Mom – Yes

Me – (confused as ever, trying to decipher in my head) Wait…do you mean Chapstick?

Mom – Yes, whatever (me starting to laugh) don’t laugh.

Me – Do you know what chopsticks are?

Mom – Yes, Chinese people use them to eat – see! They both have to do with the mouth.

Ahhh – mom logic : )

October 14, 2018

More conversations with mom – Medicine (change on dosage / pill type) last week’s pill set up changed at the end of the week from the original pill to the new pill (so I knew this was coming, even though I explained at the time)

Mom – Those black pills have me confused – how many am I supposed to take?
Me – Well, technically they’re blue
Mom – What?
Me – Never mind – you have to take 4 in the morning, 2 at noon and 4 at night.
Mom- FOUR? I thought they changed it to less
Me – They did. You used to take 40 mg 3 times a day. Now you take 40 mg twice (morning and night) and 20mg once (noon).
Mom – (looking at me like I am crazy) Why are there so many pills?
Me – CVS changed the pills/dosage – so, you were taking 6 – 2 at 20mg 3 times, then you were taking 5 – 2 at 20mg twice and 1 20mg once. CVS filled the prescription with 10mg pills so you have to take 10 – 4 at 10mg twice and 2 10mg once….(starting to laugh) So basically, they lowered the dosage but you have to take double the number of pills – that’s kind of funny when you think about it.
Mom – (look of death – she does not see the humor)
Me – Now you know why I am always telling you not to distract me when I’m setting up your medicine.

January 25, 2018

More conversations with mom –A little long, but I have to share (I’m still laughing)

So mom’s TV is, in her words, kaput. John will be taking care of it tomorrow (thank you John), in the meantime, I called her this afternoon…

Me: So mom, how’d your day go tv-less

Mom: OK

Me: Did you spend lots of time playing on your GameBoy? (yes – she has a Gameboy (courtesy of me) but the only thing she will play on it is solitaire : )

Mom: Oh, I was playing it like crazy today. I wanted to listen to the radio but was afraid to.

Me: Afraid of what?

Mom: (talking to me like I’m stupid) The batteries will die – I don’t know where the plug is.

Me: If the batteries die, we’ll put new ones in.

Mom: I don’t know…

Me: Maybe the plug is stored inside the radio. Did you check the back?

Mom: I did, there is only the place for the batteries.

Me: Well, maybe it’s tucked in there, open it up and check. (What do I know – I have no clue what this radio even looks like)

Mom: (after a while) No – just the batteries…wait a minute (more waiting on my part…apparently she was taking the batteries out to do a further check). OK…its says caution…risk of…

Me: Yeah mom, don’t mess with that. Put the batteries back in – what kind of batteries are they?

Mom: Double A

Me: Good – you have a whole pack of those, if they go dead you can replace them.

Mom: I do?

Me: Yes you do – I bought them right before Christmas

Mom: OK (sound of radio static in the background) where is the Norwalk station.

Me: Isn’t it up towards 1400 if you are on am. (that was a darn good guess, 1350)

(sound of radio changing stations – then “You are listening to 1350 Norwalk Connecticut” then, in a very loud volume I’m hearing “when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie…”)

Mom: HEY! (very happy voice and very loud to be heard over the radio) DO YOU HEAR THAT!

Me: YES (yelling so she can hear me) TURN IT DOWN

Mom: HOW DO I TURN IT DOWN?

Me: I DON”T KNOW, SHOULD BE A KNOB THERE THAT SAYS VOLUME

Mom: I DON”T SEE ONE

Me: MAYBE THE SAME THING THAT YOU USED TO TURN IT ON, HOW DID YOU TURN IT ON?

Mom: I DON”T KNOW

Me: (flabbergasted) HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW, YOU JUST TURNED IT ON

Mom: HOLD ON…(no need for music on hold, it’s already blasting in my ear…volume decreases) OK, it was a little wheel on the side of the radio.

Me: Thank God!

Mom: Good – Now I can listen to the weather.

Me: (laughing) Enjoy your weather report mom…I’ll talk to you tomorrow…

January 24, 2018

Mom: I need mayonnaise, but I want Hellmans
Me: OK
Mom: And regular mayonnaise, not that light stuff or whatever it is.
Me: (rolling my eyes) Fine – regular mayo
Mom: And I want the smallest jar.
Me: (I want to argue that the smallest is the most expensive, but keep my mouth shut) Fine – Hellmans, regular mayo in the smallest jar.
Mom: Good
(Last night, on the phone with mom, subject of mayo came up)
Mom: That was a really small jar of mayonnaise that you got me.
Me: You told me to buy the smallest jar.
Mom: Not THAT small.
Me: (smack myself in the forehead with my hand and bite my tongue)

August 11, 2017

Me – So mom, do you need anything from the grocery store?

Mom – No, I don’t need anything

Me – ok

Mom – Well, if they have nice broccoli get me a bunch, but only if its nice. If its not nice, you can get me frozen.

Me – ok

Mom – And those peaches, they were very good, I split the last one with Christopher, get me some peaches

Me – ok

Mom – Oh, and kale, do you know what kale looks like? Get me some, but only 4 leafs

Me – Just 4 leafs?

Mom – Just 4 leafs, oh and…

Me – Hold on mom, let me make a list : )

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Conversations with Mom